Thursday, June 07, 2007

How To Drive In Jersey

Thought you'd all get a kick outta this. Of course, I don't condone all of these behaviors...

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not New-ark.


2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

3 Comments:

At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Gaetanos Red Bank said...

Check out Gaetano's in Red Bank!

allthingsgaetano.blogspot.com

 
At 11:11 AM, Anonymous Gaetanos Red Bank said...

allthingsgaetanos.blogspot.com

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Ray said...

First of all, you are driving in New Jersey. Not JERSEY, thats where I am from, JERSEY in the Channel Islands, Europe, near Carteret, Normandy, France. Where the Founder of New Jersey came from JERSEY. the De Carteret family still lives here in Saint Ouens Manor, where they have lived since the early 13th. century.
See: www.sunnyjersey.com/
We are not part of the United Kingdom.
Our Web URL file extention is: .JE.
Our phone code 00441534...
Our curency is: the Jersey Pound sterling.
And finaly we have had our autonomy since 1204 thanks to King John of England.
Best of Luck,
Happy riding,
My bike is a Yamaha Fazer Z1.

 

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